Over the past decade I have spoken with a number of parents about the situations they have found themselves in and, through my own experiences, I can totally understand some of the emotions that have been shown. Key times of year like Christmas, new year, birthdays etc can highten emotions.
These range from hurt, despair, even to the point of suicidal thoughts to frustration, anger and directing their despair towards not only the other parent, but also the authorities, psychologists, childcare professionals and the court system. After-all, they have all contributed to their child being "stolen" haven't they?
I have tried to address some of the thoughts of a parent in some of my earlier blogs
“Abuse of the family court systems” by Steven Monk-Dalton
“Understanding Stages of Grief applied to Parents Affected by Parental Child Abduction / Alienation…” by Steven Monk-Dalton
“Patterns of Behaviour in the Family Court” by Steven Monk-Dalton
However, we also need to take a serious look at how these parents quest for "justice" might be affecting their chances of reuniting with their children as it could be perceived as placing their children into a hostile environment.
Each case is very different but many have their similarities too such as false allegations, teaching/coaching fear and hatred to the child, frustrating any contact and many other heinous tactics.
These behaviours are often ignored or dismissed by the professionals that an affected parent tries to put their faith and trust in so this often results in the display of despair and anger that I was referring to earlier. Added to this is the cost of litigation to actually fight their corner which can financially destroy a parent to the point of no recovery..
When affected parents react to this in a verbally / textually hostile or aggressive way, or in any other way that might show some emotional instability, this will almost certainly be used against this parent as a reason why they should NOT be reunited with their child(ren).
Not only that, the perception could be that the parent has anger issues and is a reason why they do not see their child rather than the effect of the frustration, hurt and despair that is resulting from the emotional abuse THEY are being subjected to.
As parents coping with this situation, you should not lose focus about what is of primary importance to you...
Your children's well-being and to be reunited; re-establishing a healthy parental-child relationship where you can be in your child's life.
Your child needs the loving parent they had... Not a broken shell of that parent..
Ask yourself this... What is most important to you... To "get justice" or to be with your child?
I can almost guarantee that if a parent continues down the road of blame and getting justice (even if justified), this will be an obstacle of where you want to be.. and will continue to be so the longer it continues.
I am not saying here that a parent should pretend that this has not occurred; nor am I saying that it can be easily forgiven - especially when the behaviour is ongoing. What I AM saying is that focus needs to be on what you can do for your child to best help him/her through this horrific situation.
You cannot change what the other parent might have done or is doing but you can influence the future and how you deal with the situation.
It is very important that you do not change from being the alienated to being an alienator if and when contact is restored. Time may restore it's own truths, children may grow to seek their own answers. Why would you want to hurt them with adult issues in their childhood? They have suffered enough through the alienating tactics of the other parent.
Should the other parent "get away with" what they've done (or what they are doing)?
No... absolutely they shouldn't... What they are doing is abuse and these behaviours need deterrent and accountability.. but you are not going to change anything by taking a hostile approach other than giving that parent an excuse to say "I told you so".. It is playing right into their hands.. Don't give them the ammunition to shoot you with!
Is there an easy solution?
No.. very sadly not... You cannot control the actions of the other parent nor anybody else for that matter but for the sake of your children, you really do need to try as much as you can to not react to provocation and whenever you feel hurt or anger, before acting/reacting, think about how your actions might impact your child.
It is so important that you look after yourself and keep in mind that you need to do everything possible to build the foundations for you to be reunited and back in your child's life. Healthy mind and healthy body. Be productive, be positive and don't be beaten by this horrific situation.
Never give up and keep strong all..
One Day Closer xx