Monday, 30 December 2019

Never Give Up - One Day Closer

Over the past decade I have spoken with a number of parents about the situations they have found themselves in and, through my own experiences, I can totally understand some of the emotions that have been shown. Key times of year like Christmas, new year, birthdays etc can highten emotions. 

These range from hurt, despair, even to the point of suicidal thoughts to frustration, anger and directing their despair towards not only the other parent, but also the authorities, psychologists, childcare professionals and the court system. After-all, they have all contributed to their child being "stolen" haven't they? 

I have tried to address some of the thoughts of a parent in some of my earlier blogs

“Abuse of the family court systems” by Steven Monk-Dalton

“Understanding Stages of Grief applied to Parents Affected by Parental Child Abduction / Alienation…” by Steven Monk-Dalton

“Patterns of Behaviour in the Family Court” by Steven Monk-Dalton

However, we also need to take a serious look at how these parents quest for "justice" might be affecting their chances of reuniting with their children as it could be perceived as placing their children into a hostile environment.

Each case is very different but many have their similarities too such as false allegations, teaching/coaching fear and hatred to the child, frustrating any contact and many other heinous tactics.

These behaviours are often ignored or dismissed by the professionals that an affected parent tries to put their faith and trust in so this often results in the display of despair and anger that I was referring to earlier. Added to this is the cost of litigation to actually fight their corner which can financially destroy a parent to the point of no recovery..

When affected parents react to this in a verbally / textually hostile or aggressive way, or in any other way that might show some emotional instability, this will almost certainly be used against this parent as a reason why they should NOT be reunited with their child(ren).

Not only that, the perception could be that the parent has anger issues and is a reason why they do not see their child rather than the effect of the frustration, hurt and despair that is resulting from the emotional abuse THEY are being subjected to.

As parents coping with this situation, you should not lose focus about what is of primary importance to you...

Your children's well-being and to be reunited; re-establishing a healthy parental-child relationship where you can be in your child's life.

Your child needs the loving parent they had... Not a broken shell of that parent..

Ask yourself this... What is most important to you... To "get justice" or to be with your child?

I can almost guarantee that if a parent continues down the road of blame and getting justice (even if justified), this will be an obstacle of where you want to be.. and will continue to be so the longer it continues.

I am not saying here that a parent should pretend that this has not occurred; nor am I saying that it can be easily forgiven - especially when the behaviour is ongoing. What I AM saying is that focus needs to be on what you can do for your child to best help him/her through this horrific situation.

You cannot change what the other parent might have done or is doing but you can influence the future and how you deal with the situation.

It is very important that you do not change from being the alienated to being an alienator if and when contact is restored. Time may restore it's own truths, children may grow to seek their own answers. Why would you want to hurt them with adult issues in their childhood? They have suffered enough through the alienating tactics of the other parent.

Should the other parent "get away with" what they've done (or what they are doing)?

No... absolutely they shouldn't... What they are doing is abuse and these behaviours need deterrent and accountability.. but you are not going to change anything by taking a hostile approach other than giving that parent an excuse to say "I told you so".. It is playing right into their hands.. Don't give them the ammunition to shoot you with!

Is there an easy solution?

No.. very sadly not... You cannot control the actions of the other parent nor anybody else for that matter but for the sake of your children, you really do need to try as much as you can to not react to provocation and whenever you feel hurt or anger, before acting/reacting, think about how your actions might impact your child.

It is so important that you look after yourself and keep in mind that you need to do everything possible to build the foundations for you to be reunited and back in your child's life. Healthy mind and healthy body. Be productive, be positive and don't be beaten by this horrific situation. 

Never give up and keep strong all..

One Day Closer xx

Wednesday, 25 December 2019

Christmas Thanks 2019

Another Xmas has come and gone.. Once again, it hasn't been easy but thank you so much to all close to me who made a difficult time of year as enjoyable as was possible...


Thanks to Matt, Mark, David, Claire, "nan" and Linda for making us feel so welcome and for the most wonderful Christmas meal. 

To Laura and Mark and the kids (Michelles grandchildren) for sharing Christmas Eve with us and also of course to Michelle who is always so supportive and really is my rock.. Love ya!!

Thanks also to family and friends who sent cards and messages. They are really appreciated. ESPECIALLY those cards and messages that include Aleyah even though she has been absent now for 10 years.. They mean so much to me. 

As always, I keep every message for her so she will see for herself how much she is thought of, loved and missed xxxx

I so hope Aleyah had a wonderful day... I hope with all of my heart that 2020 will be our year to be reunited...

I pray that abducting/alienating parents are given a conscience and realise how wrong their behaviour is and put a stop to it for their children's sake!!

I pray that the family courts, authorities, childcare professionals and schools etc will have a greater understanding of these issues and act accordingly instead of burying their heads in the sand that these tactics occur so frequently.. Children are not weapons.. Dont allow them to be used as ammunition!! 

Thoughts with all good parents who are so wrongfully alienated and/or restricted from being with their children and of course to the children who are wrongfully stopped from being with a parent and one side of their family.. 

This madness won't go on forever.. Stay strong and don't be beaten.. whether it's tomorrow, in the near future or further in time, your children will need you so don't give up!

As always I send out this plea to my daughter's maternal family..

To my daughter Aleyah, I am ALWAYS loving you... Always thinking of you... FOREVER your Dad..

One more day closer xx

0034 622925754 (whatsapp) 

Thursday, 12 December 2019

Christmas Message 2019

Wishing everybody a happy & wonderful Christmas / holiday season

For those who are parents who are not able to see their children through parental child abduction/parental alienation/retention, my heart goes out to you and empathise with the hurt that you will undoubtedly be feeling.

Also so much thought for those who are suffering the bereavement of their children through illness or accident. It must be such a very traumatic time and must hurt so much in particular on these key dates.

Please stay strong and try to enjoy the season as much as possible with the people around you that are important in your life.

If you know anybody that is going through a difficult time or is on their own, check in on them. Involve them where you can. These holidays are a celebration  but also additionally difficult for some. 

If you have your children / grandchildren with you this year, treasure every single moment with them. They will never be this age again.. You are very blessed..xx

Thank you to all who have stayed the distance, inspired me and helped me to stay focused and positive when I have needed it most. Also to the crazy loons I call friends and family who keep me smiling and of course to Michelle Clark who gives me so much love and support. 

I really can't put into words how much I appreciate you all. I'm blessed to have some amazing people around me.

Wishing my own daughter Aleyah a wonderful Christmas and pray that we are reunited very soon

Always loving you... Forever your dad..  One More Day Closer!! xx